Avni turns 1!

I write this 10 days before Avni's first birthday...a part of me does not believe that the first year is almost over...another part of me is surprised at how fast its gone.

Becoming a mother has been the toughest thing I have ever done. For instance, here are some things that I did not think I could do or somethings I did not know would happen...to the extent they have...

• Go without a full nights sleep - And this has honestly been my biggest struggle. Avni, like me (as I have been told) had a really tough time going to and staying asleep. Her typical sleep pattern for almost the last 6 months has been something like this...sleep around 9 pm, wake up at 11.30, 1 am, 2.30 am, 3.30 or 4 am, 5.30 am, and finally really waking up around 6am. Each time she woke up, she needed one of us to rock, pat, sooth her back to sleep and sometimes this could take up to 11/2 hours. And unlike most babies I have heard of, including myself, she would not sleep during the day...the longest she used to take were a couple of 20 min naps. 

Amazingly, I adapted to this pattern pretty quickly - or quicker than I thought possible. It was frustrating, especially when Vivek was not here and I had to be oncall 24/7. But in about a month or so, I found reserves of strength that I did not know I had. And it became easier to go back to sleep. While earlier it would take me about 30 - 40 mins to fall back asleep, I soon was able to go back to sleep in 20 mins many times. The frustration did not go away...and I was angry at Avni many many times during those long nights. It is hard for me to stay calm and accept this even now...but she is much better - except when those pesky teeth insist on coming out!

• Love someone like I do Avni - I have always heard that becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and fulfilling things a woman can go through. And this is affirmed to me every day when Avni looks at me and smiles, when she gives me a hug, when she invites me to play. The best part of my day is when I come home from work and take her in my arms. There is no feeling equal to the complete joy she gives me, or the happiness she has brought to our lives.

• Watch my husband become a father - from the minute Vivek held her, he changed. He became a father...in the first few weeks of her life, it was Vivek that did everything for her. He changed her, rocked her, put her to sleep, played with her, spoke to her...everything that I could not do. I was spent just feeding her and dealing with the emotional ups and downs giving birth had produced. It has been amazing seeing him become a father, seeing the patience he has with her, the funny games he invents to make her smile, the tenderness with which he soothes her, the confidence with which he cares for her...I am proud of the father he has become.

• Watch our family form a protective net around her - Every member of our family, from grandparents to uncles and aunts showers Avni with immense unconditional love. I did not know that my sister and sister in law would fall so easily head over heels in love with her as they have. It makes me happy to see Avni recognize her aunts or grandparents on video chat. The way that she chatters away with my sister is amazing - I think it makes my brother in law a little jealous :) But she almost seems to want to tell her moushi everything that happened during the day. And if she hears her voice and does not see her...she will insist on me showing her the phone and will pull at it until she can see Aru's face. She is a lucky baby to have her aunt and uncle so close by. Everyday begins with a video chat with either her aunt and uncle or her grandparents and every day ends the same way. We live in the US, but everyone is as much a part of her life as if we lived in the same city.

Avni turns one soon and I cannot believe we have made it so far and so soon. I cannot believe how wonderful it is seeing her grow and learn. She has taught me to live in the moment, to enjoy the small things, to savor hugs and kisses...I know soon she will not want to snuggle every morning when she wakes up, or be completely content in my arms for hours at a time. There will come a day when she wont fit on my lap, or when I will be able to to carry her around the entire day. There will come a time when she will learn to put herself back to sleep and wont need me to sooth her. 

There will also come a day when she will walk without falling, when she will say her first words, when she will bring the joys and surprising things of the world - that we take for granted - to us fresh from her perspective. There will come a day when she will come to us because the world has hurt her, when she has mastered a skill, defeated a problem, conquered a difficulty. There will eventually come a day when she will come to us as a little girl, then as a young woman. I today understand why Appa always says to me "You will always be my baby, even when you are 60 years old!"