"...unconditional positive feedback is far less effective than honest, nonjudgmental feedback, which lets people stay on track and know what to keep doing and what to change."
I read this statement in an article by Daniel Goleman today. Daniel Goleman is best known for his work in Emotional Intelligence. And this statement resonated with me both as a parent and as a therapist. And it made me think of whether parents today are giving children too much unconditional positive feedback.
There are many individuals and families that I have spoken to, both in a therapeutic and non therapeutic setting, on success and failure. There are some themes that keep getting repeated - lack of discipline, laziness, procrastination, no motivation...the list goes on and I'm sure is very familiar to all of you.
Most adults feel that they are boosting a child's confidence by giving only positive feedback. And there is nothing wrong with positive feedback...except when it is all that a child hears. Some adults also feel that positive feedback is what is expected of them, that perhaps other adults will see them as mean if they dont react positively. A valid reason...but purely for the adult. Some adults are just uncomfortable with providing constructive feedback...they would rather make everything ok. Admirable sentiment, but bad for the child.
Lets see what may happen when a child gets unconditional positive feedback. It is possible that with just positive feedback, the child just does not get challenged to do better. Complacency may result from the child getting feedback that this is not only good enough, but really good. Complacency may lead to laziness. Research has shown time and time again that children who are capable of performing at levels higher than what is expected of them get bored. A child may not realize this, nor may the parents...but it will show up in behavior with the child not trying as hard anymore, or acting out, or giving up. And if that becomes a habit, it becomes hard to break.
What then, happens to the child's confidence? One of two outcomes is possible. In the first, the child may realize that they adults are not giving honest feedback, and the child may stop respecting the feedback s/he receives. Now, the child is confused...who then should s/he look to for feedback? Peers? Then the second possible outcome, the child believes the feedback s/he is getting and thinks what s/he is doing is adequate. But in the real world out there, it usually is not enough. Now the child may end up thinking that s/he is not good enough.
When I ask parents of some children who are branded lazy or not motivated how many times the child has failed in life...parents often realize that they have not let the child fail. That they have shielded the child from negative outcomes. And I wonder, how can a child that does not know the meaning of failure ever understand success? How can a child that has never learnt to face adversity defeat challenges that life throws our way?
I read this statement in an article by Daniel Goleman today. Daniel Goleman is best known for his work in Emotional Intelligence. And this statement resonated with me both as a parent and as a therapist. And it made me think of whether parents today are giving children too much unconditional positive feedback.
There are many individuals and families that I have spoken to, both in a therapeutic and non therapeutic setting, on success and failure. There are some themes that keep getting repeated - lack of discipline, laziness, procrastination, no motivation...the list goes on and I'm sure is very familiar to all of you.
Most adults feel that they are boosting a child's confidence by giving only positive feedback. And there is nothing wrong with positive feedback...except when it is all that a child hears. Some adults also feel that positive feedback is what is expected of them, that perhaps other adults will see them as mean if they dont react positively. A valid reason...but purely for the adult. Some adults are just uncomfortable with providing constructive feedback...they would rather make everything ok. Admirable sentiment, but bad for the child.
Lets see what may happen when a child gets unconditional positive feedback. It is possible that with just positive feedback, the child just does not get challenged to do better. Complacency may result from the child getting feedback that this is not only good enough, but really good. Complacency may lead to laziness. Research has shown time and time again that children who are capable of performing at levels higher than what is expected of them get bored. A child may not realize this, nor may the parents...but it will show up in behavior with the child not trying as hard anymore, or acting out, or giving up. And if that becomes a habit, it becomes hard to break.
What then, happens to the child's confidence? One of two outcomes is possible. In the first, the child may realize that they adults are not giving honest feedback, and the child may stop respecting the feedback s/he receives. Now, the child is confused...who then should s/he look to for feedback? Peers? Then the second possible outcome, the child believes the feedback s/he is getting and thinks what s/he is doing is adequate. But in the real world out there, it usually is not enough. Now the child may end up thinking that s/he is not good enough.
When I ask parents of some children who are branded lazy or not motivated how many times the child has failed in life...parents often realize that they have not let the child fail. That they have shielded the child from negative outcomes. And I wonder, how can a child that does not know the meaning of failure ever understand success? How can a child that has never learnt to face adversity defeat challenges that life throws our way?
