"...unconditional positive feedback is far less effective than honest, nonjudgmental feedback, which lets people stay on track and know what to keep doing and what to change."

I read this statement in an article by Daniel Goleman today. Daniel Goleman is best known for his work in Emotional Intelligence. And this statement resonated with me both as a parent and as a therapist. And it made me think of whether parents today are giving children too much unconditional positive feedback.

There are many individuals and families that I have spoken to, both in a therapeutic and non therapeutic setting, on success and failure. There are some themes that keep getting repeated - lack of discipline, laziness, procrastination, no motivation...the list goes on and I'm sure is very familiar to all of you. 

Most adults feel that they are boosting a child's confidence by giving only positive feedback. And there is nothing wrong with positive feedback...except when it is all that a child hears. Some adults also feel that positive feedback is what is expected of them, that perhaps other adults will see them as mean if they dont react positively. A valid reason...but purely for the adult. Some adults are just uncomfortable with providing constructive feedback...they would rather make everything ok. Admirable sentiment, but bad for the child.

Lets see what may happen when a child gets unconditional positive feedback. It is possible that with just positive feedback, the child just does not get challenged to do better. Complacency may result from the child getting feedback that this is not only good enough, but really good. Complacency may lead to laziness. Research has shown time and time again that children who are capable of performing at levels higher than what is expected of them get bored. A child may not realize this, nor may the parents...but it will show up in behavior with the child not trying as hard anymore, or acting out, or giving up. And if that becomes a habit, it becomes hard to break.

What then, happens to the child's confidence? One of two outcomes is possible. In the first, the child may realize that they adults are not giving honest feedback, and the child may stop respecting the feedback s/he receives. Now, the child is confused...who then should s/he look to for feedback? Peers? Then the second possible outcome, the child believes the feedback s/he is getting and thinks what s/he is doing is adequate. But in the real world out there, it usually is not enough. Now the child may end up thinking that s/he is not good enough. 

When I ask parents of some children who are branded lazy or not motivated how many times the child has failed in life...parents often realize that they have not let the child fail. That they have shielded the child from negative outcomes. And I wonder, how can a child that does not know the meaning of failure ever understand success? How can a child that has never learnt to face adversity defeat challenges that life throws our way?

Avni turns 1!

I write this 10 days before Avni's first birthday...a part of me does not believe that the first year is almost over...another part of me is surprised at how fast its gone.

Becoming a mother has been the toughest thing I have ever done. For instance, here are some things that I did not think I could do or somethings I did not know would happen...to the extent they have...

• Go without a full nights sleep - And this has honestly been my biggest struggle. Avni, like me (as I have been told) had a really tough time going to and staying asleep. Her typical sleep pattern for almost the last 6 months has been something like this...sleep around 9 pm, wake up at 11.30, 1 am, 2.30 am, 3.30 or 4 am, 5.30 am, and finally really waking up around 6am. Each time she woke up, she needed one of us to rock, pat, sooth her back to sleep and sometimes this could take up to 11/2 hours. And unlike most babies I have heard of, including myself, she would not sleep during the day...the longest she used to take were a couple of 20 min naps. 

Amazingly, I adapted to this pattern pretty quickly - or quicker than I thought possible. It was frustrating, especially when Vivek was not here and I had to be oncall 24/7. But in about a month or so, I found reserves of strength that I did not know I had. And it became easier to go back to sleep. While earlier it would take me about 30 - 40 mins to fall back asleep, I soon was able to go back to sleep in 20 mins many times. The frustration did not go away...and I was angry at Avni many many times during those long nights. It is hard for me to stay calm and accept this even now...but she is much better - except when those pesky teeth insist on coming out!

• Love someone like I do Avni - I have always heard that becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and fulfilling things a woman can go through. And this is affirmed to me every day when Avni looks at me and smiles, when she gives me a hug, when she invites me to play. The best part of my day is when I come home from work and take her in my arms. There is no feeling equal to the complete joy she gives me, or the happiness she has brought to our lives.

• Watch my husband become a father - from the minute Vivek held her, he changed. He became a father...in the first few weeks of her life, it was Vivek that did everything for her. He changed her, rocked her, put her to sleep, played with her, spoke to her...everything that I could not do. I was spent just feeding her and dealing with the emotional ups and downs giving birth had produced. It has been amazing seeing him become a father, seeing the patience he has with her, the funny games he invents to make her smile, the tenderness with which he soothes her, the confidence with which he cares for her...I am proud of the father he has become.

• Watch our family form a protective net around her - Every member of our family, from grandparents to uncles and aunts showers Avni with immense unconditional love. I did not know that my sister and sister in law would fall so easily head over heels in love with her as they have. It makes me happy to see Avni recognize her aunts or grandparents on video chat. The way that she chatters away with my sister is amazing - I think it makes my brother in law a little jealous :) But she almost seems to want to tell her moushi everything that happened during the day. And if she hears her voice and does not see her...she will insist on me showing her the phone and will pull at it until she can see Aru's face. She is a lucky baby to have her aunt and uncle so close by. Everyday begins with a video chat with either her aunt and uncle or her grandparents and every day ends the same way. We live in the US, but everyone is as much a part of her life as if we lived in the same city.

Avni turns one soon and I cannot believe we have made it so far and so soon. I cannot believe how wonderful it is seeing her grow and learn. She has taught me to live in the moment, to enjoy the small things, to savor hugs and kisses...I know soon she will not want to snuggle every morning when she wakes up, or be completely content in my arms for hours at a time. There will come a day when she wont fit on my lap, or when I will be able to to carry her around the entire day. There will come a time when she will learn to put herself back to sleep and wont need me to sooth her. 

There will also come a day when she will walk without falling, when she will say her first words, when she will bring the joys and surprising things of the world - that we take for granted - to us fresh from her perspective. There will come a day when she will come to us because the world has hurt her, when she has mastered a skill, defeated a problem, conquered a difficulty. There will eventually come a day when she will come to us as a little girl, then as a young woman. I today understand why Appa always says to me "You will always be my baby, even when you are 60 years old!" 

'Parents today don't love their children!'

Disclaimer - These are my views, based upon my experiences and world view. They are not meant to hurt anyone, evoke strong reactions - though that may happen, nor are they aimed at any individual or group of individuals. These are not researched findings...just my thoughts. And context here is Indian parenting.

As a parent now, if someone told me that I don't love my daughter, I would probably feel anger. But this is the first sentence that a psychology professor introduced himself to our graduate class with. As you can guess, no one was willing to accept what he said.

But now, after being immersed in the mental health field for over 8 years, and also becoming a parent...I tend to agree with him. Yes, I said that I agree with what he said. Am I admitting to not loving my daughter? Of course not! But I understand what he was saying now. Have been understanding what he was trying to communicate in bits and pieces over the last 6 years.

Many of the popular things we believe as parents tend to be misguided...we all want whats best for our children, but we all go with the flow and most times mistake popularity for the right thing. Is there any reason to believe that if our children do not get "good" marks in school they will be failures? That if we dont get our children into the best schools that we are failures? Is there reason to believe that we can only feel satisfied as parents when our children are dependent on us? Do we cringe and look around to see what others think if our child starts crying in a public place?

But we do all the above and if we knew better, I think we would not be doing any of these things. Its shocking how much damage parents do without knowing to their kids...for instance, just imagine that tomorrow your son or daughter came in and said to you, 'Look at how good a parent our neighbor is...they pack yummier food for their son everyday. You should also learn to be like them.' We would be hurt and angry...but isn't this what we say to our children every time we compare them to another child? And aren't we hurting them where they are most vulnerable as we do that? We are telling them, multiple times, from the time they are old enough to understand that they are NOT good enough. And we wonder why children lose confidence.

Here is another one, how many of us try to solve every problem that comes our children's way? More than would like to admit do this. A child falls and adults immediately rush to them, whether the child is crying or not :) And then we wonder why some children cry for every little thing. How many adults do you know that would allow a child to sulk and stay sad or angry? Most of us would cajole the child, give in, or yell at the child. We are essentially teaching the child to manipulate us...and when the child is 20 and manipulation does not work anymore, the child or young adult, has no coping mechanisms...leading to mental health issues. But how many of us think of the child when we are trying to make the child like US again?

How many mothers sit with their children to MAKE them do homework? I agree that children need guidance and teaching, what they do not need is a parent sitting with them ALL the time they are doing homework. It makes more sense to let the child learn that it is his/her responsibility to get homework done, or face the consequences. And to give the child the confidence that his/her parents are there for them to go to when in difficulty. And we wonder why children do badly when they leave home...because they are used to someone holding their hand ALL the time!! It is not the parent's responsibility to get homework done...but the child's. Again here, this becomes about us.

When everything about the children is about us, we lose focus and instead of thinking of them and their future, it becomes about us...and I tend to agree with my professor, parents today don't love their children. They seem to love themselves more and value what someone else will think about them before they think about the child's future and the child's growth.