'Parents today don't love their children!'
Disclaimer - These are my views, based upon my experiences and world view. They are not meant to hurt anyone, evoke strong reactions - though that may happen, nor are they aimed at any individual or group of individuals. These are not researched findings...just my thoughts. And context here is Indian parenting.
As a parent now, if someone told me that I don't love my daughter, I would probably feel anger. But this is the first sentence that a psychology professor introduced himself to our graduate class with. As you can guess, no one was willing to accept what he said.
But now, after being immersed in the mental health field for over 8 years, and also becoming a parent...I tend to agree with him. Yes, I said that I agree with what he said. Am I admitting to not loving my daughter? Of course not! But I understand what he was saying now. Have been understanding what he was trying to communicate in bits and pieces over the last 6 years.
Many of the popular things we believe as parents tend to be misguided...we all want whats best for our children, but we all go with the flow and most times mistake popularity for the right thing. Is there any reason to believe that if our children do not get "good" marks in school they will be failures? That if we dont get our children into the best schools that we are failures? Is there reason to believe that we can only feel satisfied as parents when our children are dependent on us? Do we cringe and look around to see what others think if our child starts crying in a public place?
But we do all the above and if we knew better, I think we would not be doing any of these things. Its shocking how much damage parents do without knowing to their kids...for instance, just imagine that tomorrow your son or daughter came in and said to you, 'Look at how good a parent our neighbor is...they pack yummier food for their son everyday. You should also learn to be like them.' We would be hurt and angry...but isn't this what we say to our children every time we compare them to another child? And aren't we hurting them where they are most vulnerable as we do that? We are telling them, multiple times, from the time they are old enough to understand that they are NOT good enough. And we wonder why children lose confidence.
Here is another one, how many of us try to solve every problem that comes our children's way? More than would like to admit do this. A child falls and adults immediately rush to them, whether the child is crying or not :) And then we wonder why some children cry for every little thing. How many adults do you know that would allow a child to sulk and stay sad or angry? Most of us would cajole the child, give in, or yell at the child. We are essentially teaching the child to manipulate us...and when the child is 20 and manipulation does not work anymore, the child or young adult, has no coping mechanisms...leading to mental health issues. But how many of us think of the child when we are trying to make the child like US again?
How many mothers sit with their children to MAKE them do homework? I agree that children need guidance and teaching, what they do not need is a parent sitting with them ALL the time they are doing homework. It makes more sense to let the child learn that it is his/her responsibility to get homework done, or face the consequences. And to give the child the confidence that his/her parents are there for them to go to when in difficulty. And we wonder why children do badly when they leave home...because they are used to someone holding their hand ALL the time!! It is not the parent's responsibility to get homework done...but the child's. Again here, this becomes about us.
When everything about the children is about us, we lose focus and instead of thinking of them and their future, it becomes about us...and I tend to agree with my professor, parents today don't love their children. They seem to love themselves more and value what someone else will think about them before they think about the child's future and the child's growth.
Disclaimer - These are my views, based upon my experiences and world view. They are not meant to hurt anyone, evoke strong reactions - though that may happen, nor are they aimed at any individual or group of individuals. These are not researched findings...just my thoughts. And context here is Indian parenting.
As a parent now, if someone told me that I don't love my daughter, I would probably feel anger. But this is the first sentence that a psychology professor introduced himself to our graduate class with. As you can guess, no one was willing to accept what he said.
But now, after being immersed in the mental health field for over 8 years, and also becoming a parent...I tend to agree with him. Yes, I said that I agree with what he said. Am I admitting to not loving my daughter? Of course not! But I understand what he was saying now. Have been understanding what he was trying to communicate in bits and pieces over the last 6 years.
Many of the popular things we believe as parents tend to be misguided...we all want whats best for our children, but we all go with the flow and most times mistake popularity for the right thing. Is there any reason to believe that if our children do not get "good" marks in school they will be failures? That if we dont get our children into the best schools that we are failures? Is there reason to believe that we can only feel satisfied as parents when our children are dependent on us? Do we cringe and look around to see what others think if our child starts crying in a public place?
But we do all the above and if we knew better, I think we would not be doing any of these things. Its shocking how much damage parents do without knowing to their kids...for instance, just imagine that tomorrow your son or daughter came in and said to you, 'Look at how good a parent our neighbor is...they pack yummier food for their son everyday. You should also learn to be like them.' We would be hurt and angry...but isn't this what we say to our children every time we compare them to another child? And aren't we hurting them where they are most vulnerable as we do that? We are telling them, multiple times, from the time they are old enough to understand that they are NOT good enough. And we wonder why children lose confidence.
Here is another one, how many of us try to solve every problem that comes our children's way? More than would like to admit do this. A child falls and adults immediately rush to them, whether the child is crying or not :) And then we wonder why some children cry for every little thing. How many adults do you know that would allow a child to sulk and stay sad or angry? Most of us would cajole the child, give in, or yell at the child. We are essentially teaching the child to manipulate us...and when the child is 20 and manipulation does not work anymore, the child or young adult, has no coping mechanisms...leading to mental health issues. But how many of us think of the child when we are trying to make the child like US again?
How many mothers sit with their children to MAKE them do homework? I agree that children need guidance and teaching, what they do not need is a parent sitting with them ALL the time they are doing homework. It makes more sense to let the child learn that it is his/her responsibility to get homework done, or face the consequences. And to give the child the confidence that his/her parents are there for them to go to when in difficulty. And we wonder why children do badly when they leave home...because they are used to someone holding their hand ALL the time!! It is not the parent's responsibility to get homework done...but the child's. Again here, this becomes about us.
When everything about the children is about us, we lose focus and instead of thinking of them and their future, it becomes about us...and I tend to agree with my professor, parents today don't love their children. They seem to love themselves more and value what someone else will think about them before they think about the child's future and the child's growth.
Interesting viewpoint.
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